Rare Exports


Classified as Adventure/Fantasy/Horror, “Rare Exports” is a delightful, little Christmas tale from Finland. I wish I could say that I love it as much as everyone else does. I don’t. Way back in 2010, my husband told me a story of hearing a horror movie get an amazing review on NPR. (Yes, I listen to NPR. I’m old. Sue me.) Well, I was so very excited to see this movie I had heard so much about. Oy vey. This was a long hour and twenty four minutes for me.

Truly, it’s a great premise:an excavation crew unearths Santa Claus. Yeah, you heard me; THE Santa Claus. A young man named Pietari and his friend, Jusso, have  spied on the excavation crew and they know what has been found. Pietari does some research on Santa Claus and finds that he’s, actually, a wee bit malicious and evil. He’s really more a punisher of naughty children than anything else.  Well, as with any horror movie, it’s the little person (Pietari) that  is the most observant and has to explain to all of the adults the reality of their situation. Santa’s “helpers” have taken over Pietari’s tiny village and they are trying to defrost Santa, collect naughty children and eat some gingerbread.

santa spanking child

I really do love Pietari. He’s a lovely little guy with beautiful skin, bad hair,  tons of courage and a wicked smart brain. So, here’s my question: where is his mother? There are absolutely NO females in this movie. None. The only “feminine” thing in this movie is the hairdryer that has been stolen by Santa’s helpers. (Ya know, if there were women living in this village, maybe the men would have better haircuts and overall hygiene.)  I hate to be a girl about all of this, but not one single female character in this movie? Did all of these men come to be from immaculate conception? No, that would still require the presence of women. Perhaps they’re cannibals that eat only women?  (That’s a movie I’d like to see.)  Don’t even get me started on how the helicopter looks like it has a giant scrotum.

I’ve watched this movie twice and I just don’t care. I like the kid, I like the story, but I really don’t like anything else. It feels so long for being under 90 minutes and I’m distracted by all of the holes in logic and story. I realize this is a fantasy movie, but come on! In a tiny village,  potato sacks, radiators, stoves and children all go missing and only three dudes have a sense of urgency about it? Mostly because they are hoping to get paid? What’s in the crates? What’s in the crates??!!!  Are the helpers being passed off as Santa?  Are they being sold? Who’s buying them?  Why did the helpers become so cooperative after dudes killed their leader? How is everyone living off of gingerbread in such a cold climate?! I’m simply too distracted by all of these questions to care about this movie. Oh, and the gaggle of naked, old men does not make up for these downfalls.

santa's helper

-Rare Exports is currently available on Netflix