What Comes Next: The Lords of Salem

In this series, I take a look at what happens to characters after the credits roll.
Beware of spoilers.  There will be spoilers.

You can read my original review here.

When we last left our heroine Heidi, she had met a Satanic baby with stretchy phallus arms, and ended up joining a coven of witches in a large concert hall.  As far as I know, this happens roughly twice a year in Salem, but that might not be accurate.  Wikipedia didn’t tell me, and I refused to look any harder.

As I stated in my original review, one of the problems I had with this movie is that I had no idea of the scope of these events.  What was the witches end game?  Rule the world?  Rule Salem?  Hang out in the park and offer the occasional sacrifice?  Inquiring minds want to know.

I believe their ultimate goal was world domination, but not necessarily how that sounds.  They did not want to take over the world for themselves.  Rather, they wanted to create a door for Satan to pass through, allowing for a Hell on Earth situation, with the witches being at the right hand of Satan’s rule.

But that doesn’t come easy.  You don’t start with world domination.  You have to start small and build out.
The first move would be to take over Salem.  As most of the women had already been swayed to join the witches (due to the mind-controlled doom-drones played on the radio), the men would be the first to go.  Dee Wallace & company already voiced their disdain for men when they smashed Bruce Davison’s face to pieces (“I am shattered to pieces!”).  The two Herman’s would be the next to go, as they were standing right outside the witch party when it started.  Sorry Bearded Herman.  I guess you’ll never get to sleep with Heidi now.  All that drunk-dancing to “Venus in Furs” was for naught.

Since I’m not overly educated in the work necessary to bring Satan into the world, I’m not sure what the next step would be.  Do they roll out of Salem and take over the next town, then the next, and so on?  Kind of like a snowball rolling downhill.  But with witches.

I don’t think that would be necessary.  After all, all they needed in Rosemary’s Baby was a floor full of strange old (and oddly multicultural) Satanists and a woman to be the host for the little bundle of joy.  I would assume that taking over the city of Salem would be more than enough space for the Prince of Darkness to make his arrival.

But this goes one step further.  Whether or not you believe in God and Satan (I do, but I make no assumptions about the beliefs of others), this movie lives in a world where Satan is absolutely real.  And a world in which Satan is real means a world in which God is real.  So, in this world, Satan wouldn’t just be able to come to Earth and rule just because a handful of naked ladies say he can.  And so God gets involved.

What we have next is a battle of Ultimate Good vs. Ultimate Evil (kind of like Rocky IV).  Satan comes to Earth with his demon horde.  God, in turn, responds by sending an army of angels.  And, if things get out of control, God Himself will descend upon the Earth in this ultimate battle for the planet.  The scope of this war is difficult to fathom, but it would be the largest, most destructive event this world has ever seen.  Take the size of Pacific Rim, raise it up several hundred notches, throw in a healthy dose of magic, and you have a small idea of what this would be like.  Battles making mountains.  Shockwaves felt the world over.  In a word, massive.

Or, I suppose, God could just come down and nip this whole thing in the bud before it even takes off.  That would be preferable for the state of the world, but it probably wouldn’t make for a very exciting movie.