DISCLAIMER: I AM PUTTING THIS HERE BECUASE THE MOVIE COULDN’T BE FUCKING BOTHERED – I WILL TALK ABOUT IT LATER – IF YOU HAVE ANY PHOTO-SENSITIVTY ISSUES, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. FULL STOP.
After Repo! The Genetic Opera, I confess that my hopes were high for this one. Bousman and Zdunich had built up some good will with that beauty, and hey, who knows maybe they won’t piss it away almost instantly. Right?
RIGHT?
Wrong. This movie was on no longer than 3 minute when it absolutely pissed away all of the good will that Repo had built. In less than an hour, the thing still manages to be bloated and over-stay its welcome – which really is a feat unto itself. It takes a special movie to not even have an hour’s worth of story to tell.
There is a reasonable amount of visual style on display here, while it is very clear the budget is lower than the previous effort, there really is work done to make the movie look distinct. You also have Zdunich turning in a criminally under-used performance as Lucifer. Featuring in two songs, and one is the most boring song I’ve ever heard – helped in no small part thanks to Sean Patrick Flannery’s absolutely baffling performance – and the other comes right at the end of the movie.
As charismatic as Zdunich is, even his presence can’t save this movie. There isn’t a memorable song in the entire thing, and some are just shrill chaos that goes on forever. Aside from Zdunich, there’s also not a memorable character in the fucking movie, even though it spends longer than it should trying to build up these lore-heavy yet nameless characters. The whole thing is just so unbelievably tedious and it really doesn’t seem like any of the actors want to be there at all. Also, as a side note, the movie stars the lead singer of Five Finger Death Punch – Ivan Moody – who is a real class-A asshole who has been arrested more than once for assaulting women. So, y’know, fuck this movie and that guy just on that front. The only thing I can say in defense of this movie casting him is that his formal charges are from a few years after the movie came out, so unless he turns out to be in the sequel I suppose they could plead ignorance. That said, Fuck Ivan Moody.
Alright lets talk about my little disclaimer – there is a scene late in the movie which is lit, essentially, entirely by strobe light. It goes on forever, and it I genuinely had to stop looking at the screen. It’s irresponsible and absolute trash filmmaking. There are ways to create a strobe effect that aren’t going to put your audience at risk of seizure. I’ve seen plenty of movies with flashing screens and never had to look away, but had to look away from this. Also, dear god, I feel so bad for the editor of this movie, but that’s a whole other problem.
Honestly, I’ve given more words to this thing than it deserves. It’s the shortest movie that I’ve almost turned off. What a miserable experience. My alternate review would have just been an extended fart sound. So, I guess that’s my new review.
