The Legend of Sam-El Caan

His name is Sam-El Caan, and he was once worshiped as a god.  In some countries, he may still be.  He was more a demon than a god, but no one knows exactly how he came into being.  He was “put to sleep” by a small group of monks at some point in the 1400s, and his eyes have not opened since.  He was buried deep beneath the ground in an unmarked field in the middle of Kentucky.  The original plan was to dismember his body and scatter him across the world, but the instructions were very clear: he must be kept in one piece, his right hand clutched around a ruby.  The ancient text was vague in many things but very clear in this.

And so he slept.  As the world changed around him, he slept.  For centuries, someone had kept an eye on his resting place, guarding against any attempts to resurrect him.  As time went on, the horrors were forgotten and duties were thrown by the wayside.  The guard had gone, but Sam-El Caan remained buried in the dirt.

Sam-El Caan stood 25 feet tall.  His head resembled a pumpkin and his face was carved in the manner of a jack-o-lantern.  He spoke in a deep, resounding voice.  His body was thin, strong and gnarled, like the branches of a very old tree.  His feet were wide and the ground shook when he walked.  He was an imposing figure, but he was now trapped underground in a seemingly endless sleep.

But it was not as endless as it appeared.

The ancient texts were incomplete.  One of the missing pages stated that he would be awoken on Halloween night, 2016.  When the clock struck midnight, he would be free to roam the Earth once more.

As distant chimes rang, Sam-El Caan’s eyes regained their glow.  He did not know where he was, but he could sense his domain calling for him.  He began digging upwards towards the surface, ready to reclaim the world that he felt was rightfully his.

He emerged into the darkness of a dim crescent moon and howled as best as he could, but centuries of being buried in dirt meant his howl wasn’t what it once was.  No matter.  He would regain his full strength soon enough and this new world would be his.  He was hoping he would emerge to find a full moon – the light from that moon restoring his powers – but that was a couple weeks away.  He would retreat into the woods to wait, and when he emerged he would not be stopped.  Not this time.  Surely the ancient text had been lost a very long time ago.

He stepped into the forest in search of dark place to sit for two weeks.  What he found were a couple of teens dressed like wizards, smoking some kind of small white object.  At the sight of him, they stood up and stumbled backwards.

Sam-El Caan’s eyes glowed red as he advanced on the teens.  When he spoke, it was in his native dialect.  It was deep and filled with all the rage that had been slowing building over the course of hundreds of years.  “HOW DARE YOU LOOK UPON SAM-EL CAAN.  MY RETRIBUTION WILL BE QUICK AND COMPLETE AND IT WILL START WITH YOU.”

One of the teens had regained his bearings.  He picked up a rock and hurled it at Sam-El Caan’s face.  It entered his left eye and exited through the back of his head, causing an explosion of gooey orange viscera.

The light left Sam-El Caan’s eyes.  He stumbled and fell, exploding into thousands of twigs and what appeared to be the emptied shell of a rotten pumpkin.

The teens looked briefly stunned, then laughed and continued on with their night, the corpse of the once great Sam-El Caan lying beneath their feet.


 

Happy Halloween!

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

halloween - poster

Remember when two highly successful movies were made about a silent psychopath who killed people like it was his job* and followed it up with a movie about a sinister organization making Halloween masks stuffed with Stonehenge fragments that would activate when a commercial played, turning the mask wearer’s face into a sludge of snakes and spiders?  Do you remember a scene when we saw snakes crawl out of the face of a child?

halloween - dead childDo you also remember that the main character was a doctor who just walked around banging every woman in sight?  Just every single woman.  “Hello.  I’m Dr. Daniel Challis, and…”  They never got past that point.  Boom.  Sex.  Just like that.  Always like that.
Given that he was played by sex god Tom Atkins, I guess that’s not overly surprising.

halloween - daniel challis

Good.  Because I also remember that.  I remember all of that, all of the time.

Part of me wishes the film had taken off and turned the Halloween series into a horror anthology series.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the Halloween series (except for Resurrection, because I’m a rationally thinking human being), but the idea of a horror anthology series based around the season of Halloween intrigues me, especially if John Carpenter and Debra Hill stayed on to oversee all of it.

halloween-marchingThen again, we would have lost out on Paul Rudd’s turn as Tommy Doyle and Danielle Harris’ young introduction to horror.  We also would have lost out on H20, and that is unacceptable.

halloween - kids in masks

I have grown to love Halloween III, in part because it is such a strange chapter in a fairly straightforward slasher series.  This movie came out in 1982, the same year as Friday the 13th 3D.  Each of them was the third installment in their respective series, yet they could not be more different.  I love that.

*Given the fact that Michael Myers was being ruled by a secret cabal of monks or whatever (The Curse of Michael Myers), I guess killing probably was, in fact, his job.

Boo! John Carpenter Returns to the Halloween Franchise

Boo! John Carpenter Returns to Halloween Franchise!

In case you missed it, Blumhouse has announced that they have brought John Carpenter back into the Halloween franchise.  He will be producing the next installment in the series, set to release in October 2017.

I do not like this.

As you all well know, Carpenter is the man responsible for first bringing Michael Myers into our world back in 1978, effectively giving birth to the slasher boom of the 80s.  Even after all these years, Halloween is just as good today as it was when it was released (I assume, anyway: I was -2 at the time of its release).  It looks amazing, the acting is incredible and it features one of the best theme songs in horror history.

Carpenter wrote and produced Halloween II (one of the best horror sequels ever made) and produced Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  He had success outside this series as well, with an insane filmography that includes The Thing, The Fog, Escape From New York, Prince of Darkness, They Live and In the Mouth of Madness, to name a few.

His recent history, however, has not been so kind.  The last three movies he directed were Vampires (1998), Ghosts of Mars (2001) and The Ward (2010).  The Rotten Tomatoes scores for those are 37%, 21% and 32%, respectively.  Rotten Tomatoes scores are nothing compared to the losses these racked up.  Vampires brought in $20.3 million on a budget of $20 million.  Ghosts of Mars brought in $14 million on a budget of $28 million.  The Ward brought in $1.2 million on a budget of $10 million.

For the record, I didn’t hate any of those movies, but I wouldn’t call a single one of those a good movie.  They are terrible movies, but they’re bad enough that I can laugh at them.

But he’s not directing this new Halloween movie, so let’s throw those out the window.  Get outta here, Ghosts of Mars.  He’s merely producing this movie.  So let’s look at the last two movies he produced.

Uh…
Vampires: Los Muertos and The Fog.  Yeeeesh.
Vampires: Los Muertos is best known for starring Jon Bon Jovi, Darius McCrary and Natasha Gregson Wagner.  Rotten Tomatoes has this at 20%.  I can’t find budget/box office numbers.
The Fog is a remake of Carpenter’s classic.  It stars Maggie Grace, Selma Blair and some other random people.  Rotten Tomatoes has this at 4%.  It brought in $46.2 million on a budget of $18 million, so it did pretty well there.  However, as the Rotten Tomatoes score shows, this was not a good movie.

Due to circumstances I don’t care to explain, I have seen each of these movies no less than 4 times each.  I have problems.  I know it.
Again, like Vampires, Ghosts of Mars and The Ward, I don’t hate these movies, but they are not good movies.  These are both very bad movies.  They just happen to be bad in a way that I can laugh at them.

That’s not what I want for a new Halloween film.  I don’t want a Halloween movie that is so bad it’s funny.  They tried that with Resurrection, but they tried to actually make it funny and failed miserably.  MISERABLY.  I hate that movie so much.

A producer could be anything.  Carpenter could just be put in the role as a figurehead: a way to drum up press and get people talking.  When work starts on the movie, Carpenter could be a thousand miles away, with absolutely no involvement.  He could just as easily be in some kind of on-set consultant role.  Whichever way it goes, it doesn’t guarantee the movie is going to be good just because his name is slapped on it.  This could just as easily turn into The Fog remake all over again.

Carpenter stepped away from movies after 2001’s Ghosts of Mars because he felt “burned out.”  I doubt his experience with The Ward lit any fire underneath him.  He has released two stellar albums (Lost Themes and Lost Themes II), but nothing in regards to film.  I love John Carpenter.  He has done wonders for the horror genre, but I think it’s time for him to finally fade into the cinematic sunset.

This movie could be good, but Carpenter won’t likely have much to do with it.  Call me when a writer/director is announced.

Yay! John Carpenter Returns to Halloween Franchise!

In case you missed it, Blumhouse has announced that they have brought John Carpenter back to the Halloween franchise.  He will be producing the next installment in the series, set to release in October 2017.

I love this.

As you all well know, Carpenter is the man responsible for first bringing Michael Myers into our world back in 1978, effectively giving birth to the slasher boom of the 80s.  Even after all these years, Halloween is just as good today as it was when it was released (I assume, anyway: I was -2 at the time of its release).  It looks amazing, the acting is incredible and it features one of the best theme songs in horror history.

Carpenter wrote and produced Halloween II (one of the best horror sequels ever made) and produced Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  He had success outside this series as well, with an insane filmography that includes The Thing, The Fog, Escape From New York, Prince of Darkness, They Live and In the Mouth of Madness, to name a few.

Meanwhile, Rob Zombie’s Halloween series has slowly withered and died.  They didn’t do terribly in the box office (Halloween II brought in $39.3 million on a budget of $15 million), but interest waned with each passing year since the release of Halloween II in 2009.  All we had were rumors.  Zombie is coming back.  No he isn’t.  Scout Taylor-Compton is coming back.  No she isn’t.  The script has been written.  There is no script.  The movie is a go.  It’s not.  It is.  It’s not.  And on it went, until Dimension finally lost the rights.

I didn’t hate Zombie’s Halloween series.  I think saying that I “enjoyed” them might be a bit much, but I liked them both.  I didn’t really care about Myers’ childhood, but, for the most part I thought the first movie was a perfectly fine slasher movie.  The second one wasn’t as good, but I found it the more interesting movie of the two.  It mainly dealt with the fallout from the events of Halloween, and attempted to answer the question of what happens to a person after they experience such intense psychological trauma.  It’s not all sunshine and roses after the credits end; there’s pain and suffering and fear, and those feelings can completely reshape who a person is.  It wasn’t necessarily handled with the nuance it deserved, but it at least took on that subject.  (This is the movie that inspired my short-lived What Comes Next series.)

Still, it felt like Zombie’s Halloween had run its course.  It was time to bring the series back to basics.  And if anyone could do that, it would be John Carpenter.

I think the world is finally ready for another Halloween movie.  It’s hard to shock audiences nowadays, especially with a silent, masked killer.  But Halloween doesn’t need to shock.  It needs some tension.  It needs Michael Myers lurking in the shadows and a synth chord ready to hit at the best possible moment.  We all knew Michael Myers wasn’t gone forever.  He was always going to come back.  Who better to take the reins than Carpenter?  And in the month of October, no less.

I’m fully on board.

31 Days of Horror: Halloween

Halloween - Poster

And so we find ourselves at the end of our journey.  It’s cold and rainy here in Lexington, KY, which means there will be precious few trick or treaters out there.  Those that brave the elements will get large handfuls of candy from yours truly.  “Shine on you crazy sugar-loaded monster.”
Over the course of these 31 days, we have watched a lot of great horror movies.  (I actually watched The Babadook this past week and was going to include it, but, since it’s not out for mass consumption, I held off.  I didn’t want to brag too much.)  Let’s look back at some fun times in this series:
We witnessed a minor breakdown.  Wasn’t that fun?  That was fun.
I ranted about my hatred for Peyton Manning, which makes no sense in a horror column, but whatever.
I told you to watch Dracula 3D, laughed about it, promised a post later in the day and didn’t follow through.
I rambled on (yet again) about originals vs. remakes.
And more!  So much more.  31 posts in 31 days.  That’s a lot of writing, even if I barely talked about the actual movie sometimes.

Michael Myers waiting for me to start talking about this movie.
Michael Myers is waiting for me to start talking about this movie.

What’s there to say here?  Halloween is one of the best movies ever, horror or otherwise.  It’s certainly one of the best-looking movies I’ve ever seen.  (I recently bought the 35th anniversary Blu Ray, and it is absolutely stunning.)  It’s a simple tale of a man with the blackest eyes (the devil’s eyes) and his boogeymanning ways, roaming around Haddonfield with his knife.  Will he kill children?  Absolutely not.  Does he have a killing code?  Kinda, but not really.

Halloween - Myers in closet

He’s a silent, murdering psychopath stalking through a peaceful community on Halloween.  Rob Zombie gave him motivation for his actions, but who needs motivation?  Isn’t his murder spree scary enough on its own?  I don’t need to know why he is like he is: I just need to know that he is.

Halloween - Laurie

Gather around, hold your loved ones tight, throw on Halloween, and have an exit strategy in case this is the year Michael Myers shows up in your town.
Have a great Halloween, everyone!  Stay safe.  Have fun.  Leave comments telling of your adventures.  Thanks for sticking with me for these 31 days.  For the most part, it’s been a blast.

"We're not smoking weed or anything.  Nope. Not even a little."
“We’re not smoking weed or anything. Nope. Not even a little.”